we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
