2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
