Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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