the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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