woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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