Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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