Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
