Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
