Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
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Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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