OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
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Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
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He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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