He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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