I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
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I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
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it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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