i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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