Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
