her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
