Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
My first STD was from a foam party
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
