please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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