Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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