Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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