I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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