You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
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