I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
