Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
