I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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