my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
