Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
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he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
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You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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