Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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