her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
