So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I have tasted many bathrooms
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
