i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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