I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
