im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
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