Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
