Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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