I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
