you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
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Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
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My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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