Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
what is it with giant penises always finding me
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Randomize
