i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
