mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Randomize
