I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Randomize
