Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
