I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
