You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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