I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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