Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
