I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Randomize
