my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done