You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.