I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.