The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
