I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
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He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
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