did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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