I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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