I hate your face
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
