So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
