Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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